Thursday, 7/31

Another milestone. The PET scan that I mentioned has been approved by the insurance company. Maybe we will get a better handle on what the status of the cancer is at this time. Also, Darilyn has an appointment with the oncologist on this coming Monday. I will make that one no matter what. I need to know what is going on and what prognosis there is for all of what has been happening. Thanks Nik for your words today. I really needed them. I sometimes feel that I am so alone when I also know that I am not. I have tried to spend my life with out asking much from anyone. I have not always succeeded and my siblings have been there for me so many times. I know you guys still are praying for us and I thank you all. I thank you.

Feelings

Tonight I want to write about what I am feeling. I am beginning, I think, to understand where dad was in 1955 and before. Someone who I love unreservedly is going through cancer. I am trying not to show the concern and anguish that is in my very being. I am trying to be brave and supportive. And I WILL be supportive!!!!!! But there is still anger. There is frustration. There is anguish. There is fear, fear of loss, fear of watching her do all the hard stuff while all I can do is watch. I am so damned mad. Someone I work with today said that I should believe that it will all be ok. To maintain a positive attitude. As I thought about it, I started to wonder what she really knew about life. It just does not work that way does it. I will be positive and I will be sure of everything getting better. But only because I want to and I need to. To have someone who has never had there dreams handed to them DOA should not try to tell me what I have to do. And there is always the niggling thought that it could, just possibly, not all work out. I don't want to think about it, but it is always one of the possible outcomes. And that scares the hell out of me. I will work past it and I will not let it stop me, but it is one of the paths that the logic of the situation must include. I guess I have drawn too many flow charts of problems in the past. I always have to think of all the possibilities. Damn.

OK. Time to go again. See ya later agitator.

Bad News

Yeah, the title says it all.

The results are in from the biopsy. The lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. My initial reactions were quite emotional. Right now I am more numb. We have not talked to a doctor about this yet directly. So we do not totally know the options but more chemo than we had previously figured is definite. There is a full body scan to determine if there are any other locations. I guess that is going to be part of the ongoing saga. Oh Joy.

My lady and I have talked and the only thing we can do is go forward. I will be with her through out what ever is going to come and by her side for the rest of the time we have to be together. I guess I had better find a job near home. There is no other choice.

But damn it, it hurts. I can't do anything other than be support! I can't fix it!!! I Need To FIX IT!!! Dear lord take care of my lady, Please.

August is coming

Well I needed a title. So deal with it.

It has been some time since I last sat down to write in this arena. A lot has happened and I have been burying myself in it so that I could get it done. We are still fighting the battle of cancer. Darilyn is going to have to go through chemotherapy. The only question is how much. The onconlogist discovered a lump on her neck in the lymph glands. The powers that be, whoever they might be, took forever to get anything scheduled. So on thursday morning, we went back to the local hospital and they inserted a mediport in her upper left chest for the introduction of chemo drugs as they say it is very hard on the veins. Oh Joy!!!! At the same time, the surgeon did a biopsy of the lymph glands in the neck, the ones where the lump exists. And again the news is not really great. He said that there were several lymph glands that were hard and stuck together. Not what they wanted to see. He took a sample and it was sent to the labs for complete processing. He will see Darilyn, and me if I can wangle time away from wally world to be with her on 6 August.

As maybe you can surmise, I am a bit angry about this whole thing. There is a procedure called a PET scan I think that the surgeon said someone should have done by now. It is 3 months since the mastectomy and they are just now getting to get things set up for chemo. WHY???? Why cant they do something??? Why does she have to hurt???? Oh lord WHY???

And to top things off, I will probably begin to go back to work. The financial picture is not real good, but it is survivable. I have been through worse and we will make it. The part that gets to me is that I will have to be away from her when she is going through this stuff. I want to wrap her is a soft woolen blanket and hold her so that she is safe. I want her to be better. I love her. She is my life.