October 4

I know. The title is not really imaginative.

Here I sit on a saturday evening. My sweet wife is visiting with her brother and her daughter right now and I am here watching. I see she is happy and I am glad. She has had a tough week. She has had her third treatment and it is different this time. Each time is different. Her white cell count is down again this time. That is another bad thing about this time. She is going to make it. I know that. But she has days that are not good. She has had difficulty eating this week. Her system will not process food. It goes straight through. But today, it seems that maybe we have gotten past that. I sure hope so. She also had a session where she was very despondent and needed to be reassured that all will be ok. IT will be OK. And I held her and told her. I sure hope she felt better.

On top of everything else, my meds needed to be changed as well. Two weeks ago, I woke up with a pain in my left chest unlike anything else I had experienced. I went to the ER and they checked me out. I did not have a heart attack and there was no indication of any heart damage so I got to go home. I saw my cardiologist 2 days later and that is where my meds got changed. But something has changed. I now have more prevelant angina. Mostly mild, but still I have it now where I did not have it very often before. I keep my nitroglycerin prescription handy as I may need it now. I am tired more often than before also. But I am still working my usual schedule. There is the need for the money and that never ceases. There is a chance of a contract job opening up in Atlanta soon. I hope it comes about because it would provide a great deal of help.

I guess I am running on a bit. There is a lot that I have not been able to admit that was on my mind and sometimes I get it out here. Then I can deal with it. So, dear blog, thank you for allowing me to use you as a release.

Enough for now.

To Santini Le Fratelli, a challenge

Darilyn had her second chemo treatment yesterday. It is better this time as we have some idea what is coming. She is tired tonight, after working 10 hours, but that is a good thing. She is fighting. She has lost most of her hair now and does not want anyone to see it as she is very self concious about it. But she has 4 very beautiful wigs that are perfect. So where is the challenge? Well here it is dear family.

I watched a program on the network TV called Standup2cancer. It touched me deeply. My challenge dear sibs is to get involved and donate to them. As they said, there are 10,000 people who die every week from cancer and it is up to us, individual americans, to beat it. Many have survived, but many have not. My love may be one of those but I doubt it. But the statistical possibility is always there. So lets do our part to try to put an end to this war. We lose 500,000 americans every year in this war. WHY???? Go to standup2cancer.org and find out what you can do.

After Chemo

Darilyn had her first chemo therapy on tuesday morning. She is taking 3 different drugs as well as 3 others to make her feel better while going through hell. She is taking something to help her white blood cells regenerate while fighting the chemo.

That is the chemical regimen. She is tired. She is sick. She feels like crap. And I hate it. I REALLY HATE IT. But this is what we have to do to defeat the cancer, if it can be defeated. There I said it. There are no garauntees and I could still lose this wonderful lady. And it scares the hell out of me but I won't tell her that. Not ever. I will be here for her as best I can and I just hope it is good enough. I am getting to be an old man and I can feel my body not being as strong as it once was. I have problems that could take me any time but it is not in my plan to leave her alone. But what if something happens? Who will be there for her? She needs to get thru this and I will give everything I am and have to see that she gets the chance.

Enough said.

Thursday, 7/31

Another milestone. The PET scan that I mentioned has been approved by the insurance company. Maybe we will get a better handle on what the status of the cancer is at this time. Also, Darilyn has an appointment with the oncologist on this coming Monday. I will make that one no matter what. I need to know what is going on and what prognosis there is for all of what has been happening. Thanks Nik for your words today. I really needed them. I sometimes feel that I am so alone when I also know that I am not. I have tried to spend my life with out asking much from anyone. I have not always succeeded and my siblings have been there for me so many times. I know you guys still are praying for us and I thank you all. I thank you.

Feelings

Tonight I want to write about what I am feeling. I am beginning, I think, to understand where dad was in 1955 and before. Someone who I love unreservedly is going through cancer. I am trying not to show the concern and anguish that is in my very being. I am trying to be brave and supportive. And I WILL be supportive!!!!!! But there is still anger. There is frustration. There is anguish. There is fear, fear of loss, fear of watching her do all the hard stuff while all I can do is watch. I am so damned mad. Someone I work with today said that I should believe that it will all be ok. To maintain a positive attitude. As I thought about it, I started to wonder what she really knew about life. It just does not work that way does it. I will be positive and I will be sure of everything getting better. But only because I want to and I need to. To have someone who has never had there dreams handed to them DOA should not try to tell me what I have to do. And there is always the niggling thought that it could, just possibly, not all work out. I don't want to think about it, but it is always one of the possible outcomes. And that scares the hell out of me. I will work past it and I will not let it stop me, but it is one of the paths that the logic of the situation must include. I guess I have drawn too many flow charts of problems in the past. I always have to think of all the possibilities. Damn.

OK. Time to go again. See ya later agitator.

Bad News

Yeah, the title says it all.

The results are in from the biopsy. The lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. My initial reactions were quite emotional. Right now I am more numb. We have not talked to a doctor about this yet directly. So we do not totally know the options but more chemo than we had previously figured is definite. There is a full body scan to determine if there are any other locations. I guess that is going to be part of the ongoing saga. Oh Joy.

My lady and I have talked and the only thing we can do is go forward. I will be with her through out what ever is going to come and by her side for the rest of the time we have to be together. I guess I had better find a job near home. There is no other choice.

But damn it, it hurts. I can't do anything other than be support! I can't fix it!!! I Need To FIX IT!!! Dear lord take care of my lady, Please.

August is coming

Well I needed a title. So deal with it.

It has been some time since I last sat down to write in this arena. A lot has happened and I have been burying myself in it so that I could get it done. We are still fighting the battle of cancer. Darilyn is going to have to go through chemotherapy. The only question is how much. The onconlogist discovered a lump on her neck in the lymph glands. The powers that be, whoever they might be, took forever to get anything scheduled. So on thursday morning, we went back to the local hospital and they inserted a mediport in her upper left chest for the introduction of chemo drugs as they say it is very hard on the veins. Oh Joy!!!! At the same time, the surgeon did a biopsy of the lymph glands in the neck, the ones where the lump exists. And again the news is not really great. He said that there were several lymph glands that were hard and stuck together. Not what they wanted to see. He took a sample and it was sent to the labs for complete processing. He will see Darilyn, and me if I can wangle time away from wally world to be with her on 6 August.

As maybe you can surmise, I am a bit angry about this whole thing. There is a procedure called a PET scan I think that the surgeon said someone should have done by now. It is 3 months since the mastectomy and they are just now getting to get things set up for chemo. WHY???? Why cant they do something??? Why does she have to hurt???? Oh lord WHY???

And to top things off, I will probably begin to go back to work. The financial picture is not real good, but it is survivable. I have been through worse and we will make it. The part that gets to me is that I will have to be away from her when she is going through this stuff. I want to wrap her is a soft woolen blanket and hold her so that she is safe. I want her to be better. I love her. She is my life.