Tonight I want to write about what I am feeling. I am beginning, I think, to understand where dad was in 1955 and before. Someone who I love unreservedly is going through cancer. I am trying not to show the concern and anguish that is in my very being. I am trying to be brave and supportive. And I WILL be supportive!!!!!! But there is still anger. There is frustration. There is anguish. There is fear, fear of loss, fear of watching her do all the hard stuff while all I can do is watch. I am so damned mad. Someone I work with today said that I should believe that it will all be ok. To maintain a positive attitude. As I thought about it, I started to wonder what she really knew about life. It just does not work that way does it. I will be positive and I will be sure of everything getting better. But only because I want to and I need to. To have someone who has never had there dreams handed to them DOA should not try to tell me what I have to do. And there is always the niggling thought that it could, just possibly, not all work out. I don't want to think about it, but it is always one of the possible outcomes. And that scares the hell out of me. I will work past it and I will not let it stop me, but it is one of the paths that the logic of the situation must include. I guess I have drawn too many flow charts of problems in the past. I always have to think of all the possibilities. Damn.
OK. Time to go again. See ya later agitator.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Bad News
Yeah, the title says it all.
The results are in from the biopsy. The lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. My initial reactions were quite emotional. Right now I am more numb. We have not talked to a doctor about this yet directly. So we do not totally know the options but more chemo than we had previously figured is definite. There is a full body scan to determine if there are any other locations. I guess that is going to be part of the ongoing saga. Oh Joy.
My lady and I have talked and the only thing we can do is go forward. I will be with her through out what ever is going to come and by her side for the rest of the time we have to be together. I guess I had better find a job near home. There is no other choice.
But damn it, it hurts. I can't do anything other than be support! I can't fix it!!! I Need To FIX IT!!! Dear lord take care of my lady, Please.
The results are in from the biopsy. The lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. My initial reactions were quite emotional. Right now I am more numb. We have not talked to a doctor about this yet directly. So we do not totally know the options but more chemo than we had previously figured is definite. There is a full body scan to determine if there are any other locations. I guess that is going to be part of the ongoing saga. Oh Joy.
My lady and I have talked and the only thing we can do is go forward. I will be with her through out what ever is going to come and by her side for the rest of the time we have to be together. I guess I had better find a job near home. There is no other choice.
But damn it, it hurts. I can't do anything other than be support! I can't fix it!!! I Need To FIX IT!!! Dear lord take care of my lady, Please.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
August is coming
Well I needed a title. So deal with it.
It has been some time since I last sat down to write in this arena. A lot has happened and I have been burying myself in it so that I could get it done. We are still fighting the battle of cancer. Darilyn is going to have to go through chemotherapy. The only question is how much. The onconlogist discovered a lump on her neck in the lymph glands. The powers that be, whoever they might be, took forever to get anything scheduled. So on thursday morning, we went back to the local hospital and they inserted a mediport in her upper left chest for the introduction of chemo drugs as they say it is very hard on the veins. Oh Joy!!!! At the same time, the surgeon did a biopsy of the lymph glands in the neck, the ones where the lump exists. And again the news is not really great. He said that there were several lymph glands that were hard and stuck together. Not what they wanted to see. He took a sample and it was sent to the labs for complete processing. He will see Darilyn, and me if I can wangle time away from wally world to be with her on 6 August.
As maybe you can surmise, I am a bit angry about this whole thing. There is a procedure called a PET scan I think that the surgeon said someone should have done by now. It is 3 months since the mastectomy and they are just now getting to get things set up for chemo. WHY???? Why cant they do something??? Why does she have to hurt???? Oh lord WHY???
And to top things off, I will probably begin to go back to work. The financial picture is not real good, but it is survivable. I have been through worse and we will make it. The part that gets to me is that I will have to be away from her when she is going through this stuff. I want to wrap her is a soft woolen blanket and hold her so that she is safe. I want her to be better. I love her. She is my life.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Saga Continues
It has been over 3 weeks since Darilyn had surgery. All is going according the game plan that we were given. The plastic surgeon has begun the process of expanding the right side so that they will be able to insert an implant. The left side has been healing very nicely.
The only problem has been that my lady has not quite come to terms with the necessary down time for healing. They say that whenever the body is cut for surgery, it is a major systemic trauma. And your body takes all of the resources that it can to cause it to heal. Darilyn is finding out that this is very tiring. She wants to be able to do everything she did before surgery but is finding that she has to take naps. And she never took naps before. This causes her to be frustrated about things. She has gone back to work. As she works at a desk job, she is only working half days at this time. Fortunately the sheriff's department is very much a large family and they are doing their best to take care of her as well. She has many, many friends as well. The support system has become enormous. Thank you lord.
Now she has to see an oncologist. This is said to be just the course that has to be followed. He will determine if there is any need for further types of treatment. This will happen this week. As I said, The Saga Continues. But we will be standing at the end!!!!!!
The only problem has been that my lady has not quite come to terms with the necessary down time for healing. They say that whenever the body is cut for surgery, it is a major systemic trauma. And your body takes all of the resources that it can to cause it to heal. Darilyn is finding out that this is very tiring. She wants to be able to do everything she did before surgery but is finding that she has to take naps. And she never took naps before. This causes her to be frustrated about things. She has gone back to work. As she works at a desk job, she is only working half days at this time. Fortunately the sheriff's department is very much a large family and they are doing their best to take care of her as well. She has many, many friends as well. The support system has become enormous. Thank you lord.
Now she has to see an oncologist. This is said to be just the course that has to be followed. He will determine if there is any need for further types of treatment. This will happen this week. As I said, The Saga Continues. But we will be standing at the end!!!!!!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Friday after surgery
Well, we have been home for two days since surgery.
The doctors kept Darilyn overnight after the procedures so she came home Wednesday afternoon. Her friends from work stopped by to check on her and her step daughter from Ft Walton stopped over as well. With Barbara here, we had quite a housefull. I took our 2 dogs out to be boarded for a few days until we can get some semblance of order into the daily routine. Cindy, Darilyn's best friend, made dinner for us. It was great. Put my lady to bed and we spent the first night. She was up once during the night and when I got up in the morning, she was sleeping in a recliner in the living room. It was more comfortable. I know the feeling well. I spent the first month after heart surgery sleeping in a recliner.
Thursday was a day of getting things in order and checking on how she was doing. There were flowers from a number of places, including Wal-Mart. She was tired and we moved her into the spare room because the bed is lower and easier for her to navigate. She slept fitfully. Fed her lunch and dinner but she did not have much of an appetite. I fell asleep in the recliner and she woke me at 11 as she was up to take some meds. I helped her and then went to sleep. I woke up around 3 and she was in bed when I checked her.
As we had to go to see the plastic surgeon this morn, I set the alarm for 6. When I finally got up, I walked out into the kitchen and found her sleeping in a kitchen chair, sitting up. She looked very groggy. I got her moved to the recliner and let her sleep for about and hour. Got ready to go to the doctor and went. The doctor checked the incisions and pronounced them good. She removed one of the two drains in place from the surgery. Things are looking better now. Fed her when we got home and put her back to bed for now. She needs to sleep and get stronger. But all is looking much better than I had imagined it would. Thank you lord for watching out for my lady and thank you to all who have been praying for her and a quick recovery.
Tom
The doctors kept Darilyn overnight after the procedures so she came home Wednesday afternoon. Her friends from work stopped by to check on her and her step daughter from Ft Walton stopped over as well. With Barbara here, we had quite a housefull. I took our 2 dogs out to be boarded for a few days until we can get some semblance of order into the daily routine. Cindy, Darilyn's best friend, made dinner for us. It was great. Put my lady to bed and we spent the first night. She was up once during the night and when I got up in the morning, she was sleeping in a recliner in the living room. It was more comfortable. I know the feeling well. I spent the first month after heart surgery sleeping in a recliner.
Thursday was a day of getting things in order and checking on how she was doing. There were flowers from a number of places, including Wal-Mart. She was tired and we moved her into the spare room because the bed is lower and easier for her to navigate. She slept fitfully. Fed her lunch and dinner but she did not have much of an appetite. I fell asleep in the recliner and she woke me at 11 as she was up to take some meds. I helped her and then went to sleep. I woke up around 3 and she was in bed when I checked her.
As we had to go to see the plastic surgeon this morn, I set the alarm for 6. When I finally got up, I walked out into the kitchen and found her sleeping in a kitchen chair, sitting up. She looked very groggy. I got her moved to the recliner and let her sleep for about and hour. Got ready to go to the doctor and went. The doctor checked the incisions and pronounced them good. She removed one of the two drains in place from the surgery. Things are looking better now. Fed her when we got home and put her back to bed for now. She needs to sleep and get stronger. But all is looking much better than I had imagined it would. Thank you lord for watching out for my lady and thank you to all who have been praying for her and a quick recovery.
Tom
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Hooray
The surgery is over and that is the reason for the title. The procedure was that they would remove the breast and then he would remove a lymph gland and have a frozen section taken. If there was cancer in the section than the next one would be removed and checked until one was found without sign of cancer. Well, that is what he did and guess what? NOTHING found in the first, the best of all possible answers. Darilyn then spent the next four hours under the control of the plastic surgeon who was to reconstruct the breast and reduce the other. Oh, this surgeon is the best in the area. They say her work is art. I will be the judge of that eventually, but for now I will give her the benefit of the advertising by others.
Darilyn was admitted and spent the night at the hospital. I got over there at about 9 this morning and she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Tired and such, but ready to go home. The doctors agreed and we left after lunch. We got home and got her settled in. Friends and family came over this PM. Darilyn's girl friend from work wanted to make dinner for us and it was great. After that, Darilyn laid down and she is sleeping right now. All is good with the world. Just have to get her healed and then it will all be back to normal. So that is the status of the day.
Darilyn was admitted and spent the night at the hospital. I got over there at about 9 this morning and she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Tired and such, but ready to go home. The doctors agreed and we left after lunch. We got home and got her settled in. Friends and family came over this PM. Darilyn's girl friend from work wanted to make dinner for us and it was great. After that, Darilyn laid down and she is sleeping right now. All is good with the world. Just have to get her healed and then it will all be back to normal. So that is the status of the day.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Waiting
The title says it. We are waiting. The surgery will be done tuesday. It is hard to believe but it is outpatient surgery, or so it seems. How things have changed. I have taken two weeks off from working at wally world to stay home and care for Darilyn.
The last few days have been very good. There has been emotional release, but mostly because it seems to take forever to get on with the surgery. We are asking why do we have to wait so long? A friend who did this 6 years ago has been of great help and solace, for both of us. I must admit to frustration and worry about what could happen if things go the wrong way. I have this picture of myself that says I am always in control and able to handle everything that comes my way. Yeah. Right. Lo and behold, I am human. I will be spending the day waiting for my lady to come out of surgery and to find out if I will be taking her home or if she stays overnight.
We have had a great few days together. We have tried to live everyday to the fullest and it is a good feeling. Now we need to live the rest of our lives that way.
The last few days have been very good. There has been emotional release, but mostly because it seems to take forever to get on with the surgery. We are asking why do we have to wait so long? A friend who did this 6 years ago has been of great help and solace, for both of us. I must admit to frustration and worry about what could happen if things go the wrong way. I have this picture of myself that says I am always in control and able to handle everything that comes my way. Yeah. Right. Lo and behold, I am human. I will be spending the day waiting for my lady to come out of surgery and to find out if I will be taking her home or if she stays overnight.
We have had a great few days together. We have tried to live everyday to the fullest and it is a good feeling. Now we need to live the rest of our lives that way.
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